WHY ANYONE WOULD SEND THIS TO A MAN.
Men are like......
....Bank accounts;Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest
....Blenders;You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
....Chocolate bars;Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.
....Coffee;The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.
....Commercials;You can't believe a word they say.
....Computers;Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.
....Coolers;Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.
....PhotoCopiers;You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.
....Curling Irons;They're always hot, and they're in your hair.
....Premium Bonds;They take so long to mature.
....Horoscopes;They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
....Lava lamps;Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
....Mascara;They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
....Parking spots;The good ones are already taken and the ones that are left are either
handicapped or extremely small.
....Popcorn;They satisfy you, but only for a little while
Investment alert: Pfizer Corp. (NYSE PFE) is making the
announcement today that VIAGRA will soon be available in liquid
form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola (Pepsi Bottling Group
NYSE PBG) as a power beverage suitable for use as-is, or as
a mixer, under the name "Mount And Do". Pepsi's proposed ad
campaign suggests:"It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself
a stiff one."
Two aliens landed in Arizona near an abandoned gas station.
They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of the aliens addressed it. "Greetings,
Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader." The gas pumps of course, didn't respond.
The alien repeated the greeting. Again there was no response so the alien, annoyed by what he
perceived to be the gas pump's haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently,
"Greetings earthling. We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your
leader, or I'll fire!" The other alien shouted to his comrade, "No, you don't want to make him
mad!" But before he finished his warning, the first alien fired. There was a huge explosion that
blew both of them 200 meters into the desert, where they landed in a heap rather abruptly.
When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said,
"What a ferocious creature. It damn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?"
The other alien answered, "If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the
galaxy, when a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick it in his own
ear, you don't mess with him.
On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her
grandparents' house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack
while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would
surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our
advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to
ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on
the ding and out on the dong..."
She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued,
"...and if that ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"
A motor bike mechanic was striping an engine when he noticed a well known heart surgeon was
standing in the door way, waiting to see the head mechanic.
The young lad thought of a question to ask him and gestured him over.
Why, he ask, is it that I do the same job as you but you get all the money and glory?
What do you mean he asked?
Well I take engines to bits, replace valves and make them work as good as new, the same as you.
The surgeon pondered for a while and said.....
try doing it with the engine running.
Imagine if all major retailers started making their own condoms and keeping the same
Sainsbury Condoms - making life taste better
Tesco Condoms - every little helps
Nike Condoms - Just do it.
Peugeot Condoms - The ride of your life.
Galaxy Condoms - Why have rubber when you can have silk.
KFC Condoms - Finger, Licking good.
Minstrels Condoms - melt in your mouth , not in your hands.
Safeway condoms - Lightening the load.
Abbey national condoms - because life is complicated enough.
Coca cola condoms - The real thing.
Ever Ready condoms - keep going and going.
Macintosh condoms - It does more, it costs less, it's that simple
Pringles condoms - once you pop, you cant stop
Burger king condoms - Home of the whopper
Goodyear condoms - "for a longer ride go wide"
FCUK condoms - no comment required.
Muller light condoms - so much pleasure, but where's the pain.
Flash condoms - Just sit back, relax and let flash do all the hardwork.
Halford condoms - we go the extra mile.
On digital condoms - plug and play!!!!
Royal mail condoms - I saw this and thought of you.
Andrex condoms - Soft, strong and very very long
Renault condoms - size really does matter!
Maltesers condoms - the lighter way to enjoy chocolate
Ronseal condoms - does exactly what is says on the tin
Ronseal quick-drying condoms - its dry and waterproof in about 30 minutes
Domestos condoms - gets right under the rim!!!
Heinekin condoms - reaches parts that other condoms just cannot reach
Carling condoms - probably the best condom in the world
Mars condoms - a condom a day helps keep the doctor away!!
AA Condoms - for the 4th emergency service
Pepperoni comdoms - it a bit of an animal
Polo condoms - the condom with the hole!!! (VERY poor seller!!!)
A single man wanted someone to help him with the household chores, so he
decided to get a pet to help out. He went to the local pet shop and asks the
owner for advice on a suitable animal. The owner suggested a dog, but the
man said, "Nah, dogs can't do dishes." The owner then suggested a cat, but
the man said, "Nah, cats can't do the ironing" Finally the owner suggests a
centipede, "This is the perfect pet for you. It can do anything!" OK, the
man thought, I'll give it a try, so he bought it and took it home.
Once home he told the centipede to wash the dishes. The centipede looks over
and there are piles and piles of dirty dishes that look to be a month old.
Five minutes later, all the pots are washed, dried and put away. Great,
thought the man. Now he told the centipede to do the dusting and vacuuming.
15 minutes later the house is spotless. Wow, thought the man, so he decided
to try another idea. "Go down to the corner and get me the evening paper,"
he told the centipede, and off it went. 15 minutes later, the centipede
hadn't returned. 30 minutes later and still no centipede. 45 minutes and the
man was sick of waiting, so he got up and went out to look for the
As he opened the front door, there on the step was the centipede. "Hey,
whatcha' doing there? I sent you out for the paper 45 minutes ago and now I
find you out here without the paper! What gives?" "Hold on a minute!" said
the centipede, "I'm still putting on my damn boots !!!"
A guy is nearing the end of his senior year in high school. Unfortunately, he still has to
share a room with his younger brother who is only 9 years old.
One night, he decides to bring his girlfriend home for a little fun. They have bunk beds
and the guy notices that his little brother is already asleep on the lower bunk, so he and
his girlfriend climb up to the top bunk.
As you might expect things start to heat up. The guy remembers that his little brother is
sleeping below so he tells his girlfriend to whisper "lettuce" if she wants it harder and
"tomato" if she wants a new position.
PULL IT OUT!!!
PULL IT OUT NOW!!!
I can't get pregnant!
Then the little brother shouts up, "Hey, would you
guys stop making sandwiches up there! You're getting mayonnaise all over my face!*!*!*!*!
A couple take a romantic holiday in France and whilst there they sample some snails.
They both agree they taste great.
A few weeks later when they are back home, the husband says to his wife
"How about I go out and get some snails for our supper?"
"Fine" says his wife.
After trying a few delicatessen shops he finally gets a bag of snails and is well chuffed
with himself, so on the way home he drops into the local for a swift half. Well that swift
half turns into 7 pints, and before he knows it, it's closing time and he realises his wife
will be hopping mad.
So he reels home, rather the worse for wear, and arriving at his front door he is fumbling
for his key when he drops the bag of snails all over the door step. Just then the door flies
open and there stands his wife looking furious, rolling pin in hand.
The husband looks down at the snails and says "Go on boys, nearly there, nearly there."
New Dictionary Descriptions to Existing Words
1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly
answer the door in your nightie.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run
over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist
immediately before he examines you.
13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish
14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up
on the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.
New words that didn't quite make it but we liked 'em anyway
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you
realize it was your money to start with.
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person
who doesn't get it.
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really
bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a
Glibido: All talk and no action.
Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they
come at you rapidly.
And the winner:
Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
A young male frog telephones the Psychic Hotline.
His personal Psychic Adviser tells him "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will
want to know everything about you"
The frog is thrilled "Wow, that's great! Will I meet her at a party?"
"No" says the Adviser "in her biology class."